It’s Midnight, And I’m Awake
I have to write this post right now, in the middle of the night. So that tomorrow when the Bean again whines for something she could have if she would only ask nicely, or when she up-ends another full bottle of water on my sofa, or when I become bored and frustrated with any of the aspects of my stay-at-home-motherhood, I can have this post to read, and re-read like scripture. So I won’t forget how I felt.
Cody’s leaving early in the morning on a hike, and so we needed to go to bed early, and I stayed up to try to read myself to drowsiness. Bad idea, since the book I’m in the middle of has me gripped so thoroughly.
Normally when the Bean cries out in the night for comfort, one of us goes to solve it. Often, it’s Cody and not me, since he says he likes to be the one to calm her, and give her “waller” to drink, and sing a little song, and say a prayer. I’m not sure if it’s just his way of serving me, or his way of serving her, but often I stay gratefully in my bed.
I heard her cry a little, and rushed from my book to answer her, so she wouldn’t wake up Daddy tonight when he needs his sleep so much.
I pulled her into my arms.
“Water?” she croaked.
I carried her into the bathroom, filled a tall cup with water in the dark, and took her back to her bedroom. In the middle of the night, I’m always amazed at how steady her hands are when she, fresh from sleeping, holds the cup in the dark to drink. I love the sound of her frantic drinking and swallowing. Minus the occasional slurping sounds, the sound reminds me of the tender way I fed her when she was small.
When she finished the drink, like always, I took the cup, and reclined with her in the rocking chair for a moment, with her head on my shoulder.
I was amazed for just a moment that she still wants to snuggle into me for comfort at all times of day. I felt so honored, and blessed. And I realized in that moment that this time will be past all too quickly.
“Do you want to sing a song?” I whispered.
Immediately she perked up, and pulled her arms away from me to start the actions.
“Spider?” How is that always the one she picks first, or if she hasn’t the time and energy to think of the song she might really prefer instead? How did it become her security song?
So I sang The Itsy Bitsy Spider for the one millionth time as she did the actions, and then we snuggled for a minute longer. I thought about just curling up with her on the bed in her room until she fell back to sleep. Too bad it was covered with unfolded laundry.
I said a prayer. Just a small quiet prayer for her and for me and for Daddy.
I said it out loud. Sometimes I like to pray out loud when I pray for her. I want the words to stick with her. When I ask God to help her know Him, and to guide her so she can be faithful and strong, and to help me to teach her well, I want her to know I asked Him. I want her to know what my number one goal is in life. I want me to know, too.
Sometimes I forget, and I think it’s photography or writing, or blogging, or weight-loss, or housework, or playing games or watching movies.
But other times, I have the indescribable blessing of being awake in the middle of the night, just lucid enough to understand that I’m holding a miracle in my arms, and able for an instant to see the whole purpose of my life as God created it.
She truly is a miracle. I love you!!!
Comment by NantieMeg — May 27, 2006 @ 2:21 am
I love you Heather. I love the little Bean. I remember with aching clarity the tender joy of holdin you in my arms at night and knowing that you were mine - all mine and a Great gift from God. I still know it.
Comment by grammyelin — May 27, 2006 @ 2:43 am
Lovely, Heather. What a gift our children are…
Mary
Comment by owlhaven — May 27, 2006 @ 6:50 am
beautiful post!
Comment by Mary — May 27, 2006 @ 7:14 am
Beautiful. Nothing like motherhood to bring into focus the amazingness of God.
Comment by Queen Beth — May 27, 2006 @ 9:32 am
Now that I don’t have to get up every night with the kids, it isn’t such a chore to cuddle with them to help calm them, to sing to them, to pray with them, to teach them to rely on the peace only the Lord can bring them in the middle of the night.
Comment by abc momma — May 27, 2006 @ 10:50 am
Heather, I admire your ability to see clearly when seeing clearly isn’t easily done. The Bean is a very blessed little girl.
Comment by Angela — May 27, 2006 @ 12:16 pm
Beautiful. I’m in tears.
Comment by Taffi — May 27, 2006 @ 2:33 pm
This post is written so beautifully, I almost felt like I was intruding when I read it. how precious.
Comment by Tess — May 27, 2006 @ 5:37 pm
Just to echo everyone else, Heather- that was a beautiful post. Although I have never held my own baby in my arms or sung her to sleep and said a prayer for her, I know what it must feel like just from your post- thank you.
Comment by Regina Clare Jane — May 27, 2006 @ 8:36 pm
That was a beautiful post. Thanks for reminding me that those middle-of-night moments can be so magical.
Comment by Nancy — May 28, 2006 @ 8:01 am
Heather, that was a beautiful post! Thank you for sharing it!
Comment by Dawn — May 29, 2006 @ 6:45 pm
That was utterly beautiful. Your writing is so vivid and flows so well that I can easily visualize it and feel the serenity one experiences during blessed moments such as this.
Comment by Diana - Teacher Mom — May 29, 2006 @ 7:26 pm
Very sweet.
For some reason BOTH of my children at that age chose Twinkle Twinkle as their comfort song.
I remember riding with E in the ambulance after he had a seizure and his little body was still stiff and unnatural. He was crying and I sang that song over and over and over until we got to the hospital. I don’t know why I am sharing this story, but those songs. Funny how they comfort.
Comment by Stephanie — May 30, 2006 @ 7:11 am
That’s it, Heather. You have GOT to stop making me cry. My mascara can’t handle this!
What a beautiful post. I know exactly what you mean. You are so good at putting words to motherhood.
Comment by Goslyn — May 30, 2006 @ 11:34 am
sigh… such a lovely post. My Birdie goes thru phazes with her comfort songs…. when she was Beans age it was the theme song from Scooby Doo. This was a show she saw ONCE at a sitters house, I had to go online to get the lyrics… the things ya do for love.
Comment by bon — May 31, 2006 @ 8:53 pm
Heather, I just wanted you to know that I gave you an award for this post. Come see it on my blog– and email me privately so you can put the award on your blog.
Mary
Comment by owlhaven — May 31, 2006 @ 11:02 pm
I’m with Mary, and glad she pointed it out. This is the perfect post!
Comment by jeana — June 1, 2006 @ 3:59 am
Wonderful post! Oh, how I can relate. Just beautiful.
Comment by Nicki — June 1, 2006 @ 9:24 am
Wow, Mary was definately right. This post had me near tears!!
Comment by Ruth — June 1, 2006 @ 10:01 am
What an amazing tribute to motherhood and your child. Congrats on your Perfect Post!
Comment by Crazy MomCat — June 1, 2006 @ 12:38 pm
Beautiful. Now I can’t wait for my kiddos to come home from school so I can cuddle them!
Comment by Pieces — June 1, 2006 @ 2:21 pm
A miracle indeed. At night we can see our miracles so much clearly, can’t we?
Congrats on your perfect post award.
Comment by Raehan — June 1, 2006 @ 3:52 pm
THis is a beautiful, PERFECT post. I can’t think of anything I love more than the snuggling and the head in my neck and the hands searching for the most comfortable place to rest…
Comment by Meredith — June 1, 2006 @ 5:48 pm
Very, very sweet. Congrats on your perfect post award.
Comment by Lucinda — June 1, 2006 @ 8:39 pm
Beautiful. I think we all forget entirely too easily.
Comment by mmc — June 2, 2006 @ 1:47 pm
I love this post. It’s exactly how I felt when Milly was Bean’s age (and younger). I sobbed in the movie Mona Lisa smile b/c I was torn b/w which woman I should be like (except of course the mistress:-) I began to wonder ‘what if I’m never having as many kids as I thought I would?’ What will my life come to now?? Are you having similiar feelings? And then the guilt started to set in as I started down a path I never thought I’d step foot on: working and mothering all at the same time. I’m just so grateful you have been so honest about it all so that I know I”m not the only one who has felt these feelings. It is wonderful to have those moments with our children. THey are the greastest moments, but for me, they have often come after a battle with myself about who I should be and what should be #1 in my life. Love ya
Comment by RGLHM — June 6, 2006 @ 10:13 pm